Three Bags Full
by Cross the Sky
Summary: It was all just a big misunderstanding, really. Nothing inappropriate had been going on at all! But Jansen still found himself banished to a Toscan barn, despite his drunken protests.


Disclaimer: Lost Odyssey and the characters therein do not belong to me, they belong to Mistwalker, and I'm not making any money off this at all.

Spoilers: Through the events in Tosca

**Three Bags Full**

"…don't want to hear your excuses! I'm not standing guard all night, so you get to sleep in the barn like the dog you are."

The barn door was unceremoniously slammed shut behind Jansen Friedh before he had a chance to utter his alcohol-laden reply of 'dogs sleep in dog houses, you dumb…dumb thing!"

And that was that. Ten minutes ago he'd been graciously offering to make sure that Ming got to her room alright, and the next Seth was banishing him to a barn, swaying slightly on his feet and trying to remember exactly what had happened to cause his current predicament.

That's when he saw the eyes. Little round eyes glowing all weird in the lantern light. And the noises. The wet, sickly chomping noises! What the hell were these things, pet monsters? And stupid Seth hadn't even given him his staff! Ha! This was clearly her plan to get rid of him since no one else thought it was a good idea! Feed him to a barn full of monsters! Yeah, well, that wasn't about to happen!

Jansen staggered backwards, stumbling against a variety of objects. Luckily he knocked the lantern as well, and the circle of light swung to reveal nothing more dangerous than unshorn sheep. So it looked like he wasn't going to be sleeping alone. Well, that was great. Just great. It probably wasn't the weirdest or dirtiest place he'd slept off a night of drinking, but….

Sheep stunk. They really, really, really stunk. And people said wet dog smelled bad? Ha! That was nothing compared to the rank, overpowering odor of damp and unwashed sheep's fur. Jeeze, he was gonna reek in the morning! There had to be at least a dozen of the dumb things in the inn's tiny barn. If it was the inn's. Did inn's normally have barns full of sheep? He didn't know, he was too drunk to remember.

All he knew was that he had to sleep in it, and he wasn't happy.

And it wasn't even fair! He hadn't done anything wrong! Okay, so he could admit (even drunk) that it had looked bad. In fact, it had looked like he knocked out the woman he was putting the moves on in a secluded location while everybody else was distracted. It looked like he was trying to take advantage of her. But he wasn't! Hadn't been! Whatever! Hell, he'd been trying to help! Which he had always done - didn't Seth remember how many times he'd bugged Kaim about his memories? And Ming actually wanted to remember! So maybe he'd had a little bit of an angle, but just to loosen her up a little! He didn't need to get women drunk to get them into bed, and he sure as hell didn't take advantage of unconscious women. Not only was it just plain bad, why would he even want to? It'd be like nerac…negra…doing it with a dead person!

Shaking his head, Jansen staggered towards the nearest (and cleanest looking) stall. The sheep within rolled its eye at him, snorting and stomping its feet. Or hooves. Whatever it was sheep had.

"Oh what, you're gonna bitch me out, too?" He fumbled and fought with the stall door for a bit, wondering why the hell he couldn't get the latch to work. It couldn't be this hard! Had the sheep locked him out? "Hey, come on, I'm not a bad guy," he argued. "I just…I mean, I just need a place to sleep. That's all. Come on, lemme in, Mr. Sheep. Please?"

There was no reply from the animal.

"Well fine! Be that way! You know…you're not cute. Everybody says 'oh, little sheep, they're so adorable!' Bullshit! You're ugly and big and you smell bad and wool is itchy! Oh yeah, I said it."

With an angry grunt, Jansen smacked the stall door with the palm of his hand. Through sheer drunken luck, the latch popped and the door swung open.

"….jerk," he muttered, eying the sheep as he sidled carefully into the stall. Maybe if he just sat there for a bit, until he wasn't so drunk, he could find an empty stall somewhere. For now, however, he was stuck with the sheep. That kept looking at him.

"What?" he demanded, before losing his balance and tumbling unceremoniously into the piles of hay. "Yeah, I know. Uninvited guest. Sorry, this was not my idea. At all. I've got a bed, you know! Right next door!" Man oh man, he wanted that bed now. He should have been it! All he had intended to do was make sure Ming got to her room safely, then head to his and pass out until someone came to kick him awake.

"S'not fair." Jansen leaned back against the wall and raked his hands through his hair. Why did everything always go bad? Even when it seemed to be going good? And for once, since he'd left Uhra with Kaim and Seth, things did seem kind of okay. Safe little town, a solid plan, Ming had come with them….

"I mean…I mean what does she think, huh?" he sighed heavily. "Does she really think I'm that kinda guy? That I'm gonna do something like that?" Sure, he was…flirty. And he loved the ladies. But he wasn't a bad guy! He was just a guy who'd made some bad decisions in his life. And none of them had involved doing anything inappropriate to anyone who didn't want it or couldn't tell him if they did or not. And anyway, he hadn't forced the beer down her throat or anything….

"She just doesn't like me." Of course she didn't, she'd thrown him in the damn barn. And no one had said anything against it, either. Not a single person! Small town generosity his ass…

There was something wet and hot against his hair. Jansen opened his eyes to find his current roommate wuffling against his head. Man, it really did smell bad. And it was hot! There was heat radiating off of the animal, like it was really a four legged stove that had just disguised itself as a sheep. And was trying to eat his ponytail.

"Hey, watch it! Not the hair. Oh ew, not my face!" Jansen rolled and shoved at once, managing to land himself face down in the straw with a curious sheep now nuzzling his rear end.

"Not there, either!" The night had officially gone from really bad to absolutely terrible. Jansen honestly couldn't remember any worse drunken adventures than being face down in dirty hay getting a surprise rimjob from a sheep. With great difficulty, the mage managed to push the sheep away and make it up onto his knees. Now bits of hay and who-knew-what-else were clinging to him. His robes, his hair, his now-sticky face….

And now he had to use a bathroom. Really, really badly.

"Alright! Plan!" Jansen grabbed the edge of the stall and pulled himself to his feet. "I'm just gonna borrow your stall for a minute, and then I'm gonna go and find an empty one and I'm gonna sleep." He didn't know what he'd do in the morning, other than bathe for two hours, but at least he had the next ten minutes figured out. That was the important thing.

"First things first…" Trying very hard to ignore the clearly perverted sheep in the stall, Jansen wobbled to the back and began fumbling with the stays of his pants. They were tricky little devils, but after a few minutes his trousers were around his ankles. One pair down, one to go!

The room had started to spin by the time Jansen got his leggings undone. He toppled forward and left the waking world quite suddenly around the time they had fallen to the floor.

When light finally hit Jansen's eyes, he was suddenly aware of two things.

One: his head felt like an army of midgets had worked it over with sledgehammers.

Two: his lower half was really cold. And itchy…

It was a few moments later that the laughter came. Jansen yanked up his pants - causing a great deal of discomfort nearly everywhere but most especially his head and more sensitive areas - and rolled over to catch a glimpse of Seth in the doorway, doubled over and nearly crying.

"I…I knew you were lonely, but…really? A sheep? At least you didn't have to get her - oh, I'm sorry, him! - drunk!"

"You!" Jansen struggled up, holding his pants around his hips, straw and dirt and bits of wool sticking in his hair and to his clothes, and attempted to run after Seth. "You are so dead! Somehow, someway, you're dead!"

Seth just kept laughing as she sprinted away, back towards the inn and the start of another day.


End file.
